Shortly after my last relationship ended now more than 2 years ago, I clearly recall walking Sam and Penny up the hill in my Austin neighborhood, noticing the quiet around me, and following the tunnel of my own thoughts as deeply as I could go. Two things became clear to me in that moment: I hadn't allowed myself to study the insides of my own heart in a very long time, and what it felt like deep inside was totally empty. Woah, right?
Well it's not as dark as it sounds, because at that time, emptiness was a total relief. I had been filtering my own true thoughts and feelings through this other person for years, and barely knew the difference between his feelings and my own. I decided to enjoy the emptiness for a while (went to therapy, of course) and threw myself into my business where I knew I could safely trust my instincts, and felt more focused and empowered than ever. Fast forward to March, when the emptiness that once felt full of potential turned on me, and became this teatherless void of doom.
I came to realize that what I feared more than emptiness was "doing nothing" because "doing something" is always how I have coped with mental discomfort. Spring of 2020 was like an emotional detox where I had to quit the habit of running away from myself. And run I still did, of course, all the way to Taos, and it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I began to connect the dots for myself, and see that what I was running away from is actually the thing that makes me me: the inside of my brain. And instead of trying to distract or shame myself from my thoughts, I found that I could begin to play with them, and hone my intuition so I never end up sacrificing my unique brain again.
And guess what? This brutally difficult work will benefit YOU because I am discovering that there are really fun ways to explore yourself, hone your intuition, and connect in a more honest way with the world around you, all through STYLE which to me seems way more fun than sitting at home scrolling through the same 4 apps on repeat or staring at your lampshade, doing nothing.